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by Ben, last updated 2007-11-01 19:59:42

 This is the ode to Hel

 by Gerry McDonnell

I've never been particularly lucky in love. As a result of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I've tried my luck with.

I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.

I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot. But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I'm completely over her now though; I buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I've discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.

Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her 'husband' didn't enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed that his foreign team-mates were all 'talking about him'. I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win over Wigan is convenient.

Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed manger couldn't bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8/11 against Birmingham; that's unusually exhilarating.

It's no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners' improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for an Arsenal win over Manchester United.

Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at St James' Park, in a match that the gutter press are labelling 'Panorama II'. I've been investigating the history to this fixture and I've discovered that Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue their practical ownership at 11/10.

A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up in a sex scandal. I just hope it's not Charlie, as i have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals who won't be going down is Reading; they'll leave Fulham with a point at 9/4.

Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will be Freddie Flintoff's.

Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I'm all for positive discrimination, but this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous draw at 5/2.

Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often struggle to undress when I'm the worse for wear. I've now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically; it's provisionally called 'The Carragher'. I'm all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted Liverpool.

Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against Sunderland at 8/13.

Being a persistent soul, I've decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I've already bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the expense.


Weekend Betting:


Arsenal v Man Utd Saturday 3rd November 12:45 Live on Sky

Arsenal 6/4
Draw 11/5
Man Utd 2/1

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Fabregas to score the only goal of the game 55/1

Aston Villa v Derby Saturday 3rd November 15:00

Aston Villa 1/2
Draw 10/3
Derby 8/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Aston Villa to win and keep a clean sheet 13/10

Everton v Birmingham Saturday 3rd November 15:00

Everton 8/11
Draw 12/5
Birmingham 5/1

Get on: Everton

Match Special:
Yakubu to score two or more goals 13/2

Fulham v Reading Saturday 3rd November 15:00

Fulham 5/4
Draw 9/4
Reading 13/5

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Match to finish 2-2 or 3-3 11/1

Middlesbrough v Tottenham Saturday 3rd November 15:00

Middlesbrough 15/8
Draw 23/10
Tottenham 13/8

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Berbatov to score at any time 15/8

Newcastle v Portsmouth Saturday 3rd November 15:00

Newcastle 11/10
Draw 12/5
Portsmouth 13/5

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special:
Michael Owen to score the first goal 11/2

Wigan v Chelsea Saturday 3rd November 15:00

Wigan 17/2
Draw 10/3
Chelsea 4/9

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 4/1

Blackburn v Liverpool Saturday 3rd November 17:15 Live on Setanta

Blackburn 11/5
Draw 23/10
Liverpool 6/4

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:
Blackburn to score two or more goals 2/1

West Ham v Bolton Sunday 4th November 16:00 Live on Sky

West Ham Evs
Draw 5/2
Bolton 7/2

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Anelka to score in a 1-1 draw 20/1

Man City v Sunderland Monday 5th November 20:00 Live on Setanta

Man City 8/13
Draw 11/4
Sunderland 5/1

Get on: Man City

Match Special:
Elano to score direct from a free kick 7/1


 Premiership Betting - Matchday 12 Preview


Tottenhamís trip to the Riverside will certainly be the focus of an unusual amount of attention this weekend, as new Spanish coach, Juande Ramos, finally takes charge of his first league game at the popular London club, after weeks of speculation. However, without doubt the biggest story in the Premier League this weekend is the meeting of the divisionís top two sides, Arsenal and Manchester United, at the Emirates Stadium, in a game that will have important repercussion for the title race. Get up to 60% better Premiership betting odds for this and every other Premier League game at PinnacleSports.com.


Clash of the Titans at Emirates Stadium

Arsenalís unbeaten home record will come under intense scrutiny this weekend as Manchester United visit the Emirates Stadium looking to leap-frog the Gunners to the top of the Premier League. Though the two clubs are locked on identical points and goal difference, the Red Devils have played a game more, so this is the best opportunity for United to cancel out that advantage. Alex Ferguson has broken all sorts of records at the club, and added another last weekend when seeing his side score four goals for the fourth successive game. The Champions have now won eight consecutive league games for the concession of just two goals.

The Gunners are in equally irresistible form, winning every home game this season, including 7-0 thrashing of Slavia Prague in the Champions League. Some of their recent performances werenít however, as good as the bare result. They relinquished a two goal lead against lowly Sunderland, only for Robin Van Persie to snatch a late winner, and the Dutchman sits this game out through injury. Arsene Wengerís side also laboured somewhat at home to relegation threatened Bolton, where Theo Walcott was used to excellent effect. Wenger may keep the lightning winger as the Ace up his sleeve here.

This game has regularly produced controversy, and ugly confrontations, but the two bosses seem to be mellowing, and it should be more about the football this time. The Gunners did the double over Man Utd last season, so are looking to maintain a 100% record at the Emirates Stadium. PinnacleSports.com price Arsenal favourites 1.775 (0/scratch) with Manchester United 2.190 (0/scratch).


All Eyes on Ramos As He Takes Charge of Struggling Spurs

Football is a cut-throat business, and anyone who isnít convinced should ask ex-Spurs boss, Martin Jol. The knives were out for him all season, as Tottenham struggle at the wrong end of the Premier League table, with just one win from eleven games, despite spending £40million in the summer. His replacement, Juande Ramos, has no magic wand, and took plenty of time to make his mark on La Liga, so it would be unrealistic for bettors to expect an immediate result at the Riverside. Middlesbrough are directly above Spurs in the league, and their manager, Gareth Southgate, may be watching his back, as the Teessiders struggle after the exit of Yakubu and Viduka. Spurs came out on top in a recent Carling Cup encounter, the start of a five game losing run for Boro, and the last time the Lilywhites themselves won a game. PinnacleSports.com post Boro as under-dogs 2.160 (0/scratch) with Spurs 1.794 (0/scratch).


Best Premiership Odds at PinnacleSports.com






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